You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
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During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff