I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
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I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer