I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I’ll be mad as hell!
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Lmfao
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl