Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target