I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
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The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know