him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
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The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.