Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
🙁
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.