Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.