me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
who wants to go expliring
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
😬
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.