INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Hey I worked for it too!
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
new record!
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Twitter fine art
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I can’t stop watching this.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming