I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.