2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
The prophecy is fulfilled
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.