Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
When you’ve simply given up.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
what could possibly go wrong?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.