A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.