Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao