“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.