None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
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Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?