Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
You Might Also Like
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Ah..makes sense now
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”