Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
You Might Also Like
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
my mind
You just read my mind
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.