My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on