Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound