The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The future is now.