Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.