I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
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We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?