Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
is nasa ok
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.