me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.