Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it