See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.