The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Trying
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…