HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.