Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.