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Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
🤣🤣🤣
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Spider-cat: No One Home
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?