Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
You Might Also Like
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus