I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
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In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I know this now 😂
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it