“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
based al yankovic
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.