Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
(yawn)
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me: