“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”