I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
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Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook