Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
You Might Also Like
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.