Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My beach vacation Google searches
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.