If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
You Might Also Like
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off