Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
You Might Also Like
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
You are not alone 💚
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?