Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
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My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other