First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting