“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
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I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.