Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
next question.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.