*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol