One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
This is my cat’s medicine.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more