William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
At least try to make it slightly believable
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs