doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again